


Thoughts of self, thoughts of her

by DAfan7711



Series: Dragon Age - Short stories, Vignettes [5]
Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, F/M, Guilt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 07:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5531420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAfan7711/pseuds/DAfan7711
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alistair isn’t the only one to fall for both the Hero and the Inquisitor. Cullen hates himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts of self, thoughts of her

She was so beautiful, he thought the Maker might strike him blind. He was not worthy to look upon a soul so pure and good.

His blood burned with shame. She would not have demanded the purge of the Circle, blind with anger and hate, caring about vengeance more than those he had sworn to protect.

A silent, solitary tear slid down his cheek as he hurried from the armory up to his office and locked all three doors.

That day in Ferelden was when he’d broken his oath, violated his vows, abandoned the Order: not when he left Kirkwall to join Cassandra’s fledgling Inquisition, not when he had been Meredith’s second and failed to relieve her of her duty until it was too late. It was in Ferelden’s tower, while brave Irving, Wynne, and Lady Kate saved the Circle. He hadn’t been possessed or become an abomination.

He’d chosen to be a monster.

And Alistair—Now _King_ Alistair. His shame grew—had looked at him with such disgust, hovering by Ka—Lady Cousland as if Alistair could shield her from his poisonous ravings. Then Lady Cousland had given her life to defeat the archdemon, leaving Alistiar to rule alone.

If Cassandra and Varric’s whisperings were true Margie—Lady Trevelyan—had fallen for the King. And the King for her. Once Corypheus was defeated, she might— _would_ , of course she would—become Queen of Ferelden, and he . . . he would again be adrift with no penance adequate for his sins.

A sob broke from his throat. He couldn’t swallow.

A firm, polite knock told him she was here. No one else knocked like that.

He rubbed his face, hoping she would think his red nose, flush-burned cheeks, and watering eyes a result of the mountain winds.

He unlocked and opened the door. “Inquisitor,” he bowed her in, “How may I serve?”

He’d prefer to leave the door open, leave an escape open—for her or himself he couldn’t say—but he closed it to keep the biting wind off her shivering form, hugged only by her tight Skyhold shirt and breeches with the shining copper clasps.

From the center of his room, she turned, mouth open to speak, but froze, expression full of fresh concern.

“Cullen, if you need to talk . . .”

Of course she was kind. She was kind to strangers, too, but this was more because she considered him a friend, colleague, counselor. She trusted him.

She trusted him.

An agonized breath trembled within his throat. He hoped she didn’t hear.

Yesterday they’d spoken briefly of his Ferelden captivity and second failure in Kirkwall. Her compassionate acceptance broke his heart all over again. He’d thought it shattered before, not realizing those little shards could be ground further into dust.

He loved her, but, even if he had been worthy of forgiveness, she loved another.

**Author's Note:**

> Alistair and Margie have their Happily Ever After (HEA) in [The King and the Inquisitor](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4366598/chapters/9908555). In a different “world state,” Cullen and Evelyn declare their love in [The Waterfall in the Undercroft](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3828472) (short story).
> 
> The writing muse can be as deceptive as a desire demon. The first two lines of this came to me this morning and I thought I’d write about Cullen and Evelyn Trevelyan’s happiness. I wrote this instead. When I published Margie and Alistair’s story five months ago, I had no idea Cullen was in such anguish. I think I owe him a happily-ever-after story; I’ll need to brainstorm, figure out if it’s with an Inquisitor or post-Inquisition with someone else.
> 
> UPDATE January 14, 2016: Check out chapter one of [Heal My Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5728576/chapters/13199938), Commander Cullen and Healer Evelyn’s summer romance in Denerim.


End file.
